


A Second Life (Alternate Version)

by Blue_Night



Series: Silent Sounds [4]
Category: Stargate - All Series, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Cochlear Implants, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, Gift of Life, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Wraith, deafness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2014-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-27 05:09:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2680328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Night/pseuds/Blue_Night
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John goes on a mission and everything goes wrong. After waking up in the infirmary, he has to face an unexpected truth and try to start anew. To his luck, he has Rodney at his side to help him getting through this.<br/>He also has to learn that some things can't be changed, no matter how much he wishes that it would be otherwise...</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Second Life (Alternate Version)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dragonflower1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonflower1/gifts).



> Dear Dragonflower1, this is the alternate version you probably might have expected. This is also the version I might have preferred. But, I'm happy that I wrote the other version at first, because it led to the other parts of silent sounds. 
> 
> I rated 'mature' not because of the love-scene, but because of what I added when John stands on the balcony. I left most of the parts of the first version, but I added few parts in the middle and changed the ending, so this version should be read completely, although there are a lot of parts you know from the first edition.
> 
> Please, let me know if you like the second version, too!
> 
> A million thanks to my beta Dulinneth for the beta of the first version, all remaining mistakes of the added parts are mine.

The last thing John can think of before the explosion throws him through the air is that he should have listen to the bad feeling he had about this mission. The last thing he hears before the explosion throws him through the air is Rodney yelling: “Sheppard, watch out!” and then nothing but the deafening and overwhelming banging noise of the eruption next to him. He can feel himself flying through the air and when he hits the ground, everything goes dark.

When John wakes up again, he’s lying on a bed in the infirmary of Atlantis. He opens his eyes, watching Dr. Keller standing in front of the monitor next to his bed, talking to the nurse beside her. John sees them opening and closing their mouths, but all he can hear is a silent ringing in his ear. He doesn't freak out, because he knows this, he has experienced this before, after another explosion. Everything inside him hurts and this is much worse than the ringing and he opens his mouth to let Dr. Keller know that he's awake. He can't hear his voice, but somehow, he must have said something, or maybe, he just groaned, because the nurse and the blonde doctor turn their heads in his direction.

Jennifer smiles at him and bends down to him, opening her mouth again, but he only sees the movements and hears nothing. He frowns and blinks, feeling dizzy and the pain is getting even worse and so he's relieved when Dr. Keller takes a syringe, injecting him with some medicine that makes him sleepy and dazed. He closes his eyes again and gladly lets unconsciousness overcome him.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------

 

The next time he wakes up, he's still lying in an infirmary bed, but not in Atlantis any longer, but in the infirmary of the SGC in the Cheyenne Mountain Complex. He slowly turns his head to look around and sees the monitor standing on a small table beside his bed. He can see the curves wandering over the screen, but he can't hear the silent 'beeps' that should come and go with the curves. He stares at the screen, trying to hear the beep by his sheer willpower, but there's nothing but the silent ringing in his ear. He swallows, as realization slowly sinks in. He has no clue how he got here and how much time has passed since the explosion, but lying in the infirmary of the SGC instead of Atlantis is always a bad sign.

John jerks, startled, when he feels a soft touch at his arm and turns his head into the opposite direction. Rodney is sitting on a chair next to his bed, watching him, trying to smile when he feels John's questioning eyes upon his face. Rodney doesn't need to speak, he doesn't need to open his mouth, John can see it on his face, in his eyes. Rodney strokes his arm in a calming gesture and raises something. John looks at it and sees a small notepad with Rodney's handwriting upon it.

 _'You're deaf.'_ He reads. _'The explosion destroyed both of your inner ears. You were badly hurt and have been unconscious for two weeks, but they could fix it all - except for your ears.'_

For one moment, he hates Rodney. He hates him, because Rodney didn't wait to 'tell' him the bad news, but told him that he will never be able to hear again right after he had woken up instead. Rodney just looks at him, calm and understandingly; and John's anger fades, because he knows that Rodney has done the right thing. John hates to be lied to. He always wants to know the truth and Rodney knew that after so many years of working together and being best friends that he had done what John wanted. He looks at his friend and tries to smile, although all he wants to do right now is yell and shout and hear something – anything apart from the almost unbearable ringing in his ear. Rodney smiles back and presses John's hand in silent understanding. He still presses it and waits when John turns his head to the other side, squeezing his eyes shut to fight back the tears that threaten to fall. He just sits there, holding John's hand and the last thing John feels before he falls asleep is Rodney holding his hand and gently pressing it.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------

 

During the next days, John learns that Rodney stayed by his side every minute of the two weeks while he was unconscious, except to take a shower or visit the restroom from time to time. He ate next to his bed and he slept next to his bed. He told Dr. Lam that he would be the one to tell John the truth, he himself and no one else.

John also learns that they brought him back to Earth to implant a special prosthesis into his ears, called 'cochlear implants'. It 'replaces' the destroyed inner cells of his cochlear and even though it won't be the hearing he knows, he will regain some parts of his hearing and John doesn't care if it will be different or unknown, he will go through everything he needs to, because all he can think of is being able to go back to Atlantis and do his job again and this will only happen when he can 'hear' again. He just hopes that this new hearing will also drown out his horrible tinnitus at least a little bit.

The next two weeks go by with endless tests. Dr. Lam and Carson, who came to take care of him personally when he heard what happened to John, check him at least ten times a day and the specialist they called to implant the prosthesis makes his own tests and asks him questions until all John wants to do is scream again. He once tried to scream and shout, but he went silent when he saw Rodney pressing his hands against his ears, staring at him, frightened and with genuine concern, because he still couldn't hear a single sound, although his throat was sore and hurt from his screams. John doesn't speak any more, he uses Rodney's notepads to communicate with the doctors and the nurses.

He doesn't use it oftentimes when he's alone with his friend, because he has no problems understanding what Rodney tells him. He can see it in Rodney's face and he can feel it when he touches him and if Rodney speaks, he always makes sure that John can see his mouth. John starts to read from his lips and from his hands when Rodney gestures with them and he begins to talk again, watching Rodney's reactions intently. He can't hear what he says, but he sees if Rodney is able to understand him or not. John doesn't talk to the doctors and the nurses, only to Rodney and when Rodney smiles at him, happily and excitedly, then he knows that he didn't lose the ability to form the right words, at least not until now. Then, he finds himself smiling back, feeling the slight hope that he will be able to win back his old life someday, at least partly.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

After these two weeks, Dr. Lam and Carson decide that he has recovered enough for the surgery and the last thing John sees before the anesthesia knocks him out is Rodney waving at him from the doorway to the operating room.

The next waking up is awful, the room is spinning around him as he tries to open his eyes and he finds himself bending forward and throwing up into the bucket Rodney holds for him before he has even realized what has happened to him. Everything inside his head is hurting and the ringing is louder than before, but he can still hear nothing else. Of course, the doctor told him that they had to wait for six more weeks, but John had clung to the hope that something would have changed directly after the surgery. Now, it seems to be worse than it had been before it.

Rodney stays by his side until he has recovered from the surgery, but he needs to go back to Atlantis when the long process of regaining his hearing will start. The specialist, Dr. Fuller, told John that they will have to wait for another six weeks until the fresh wounds are healed, before they can start adjusting the implant and the rehabilitation. He told him that he has to learn to hear again, slowly and that he also needs some training to learn the new sounds and especially how it sounds when others speak to him. John agreed to visit a psychologist as well, because General O'Neill who has visited him several times told him that the IOA was searching for a way to replace him and that the only thing that kept them from doing so until now is that he's the one with the strongest ATA-gene. It seems that Atlantis is missing him, because the city doesn't react to anybody else the way she reacts to him and John is even more determined to do what he has to do to go back to his city, no matter the cost.

And so he stands in the Gate-room, waving at Rodney, promising him that he will come after him soon, before he turns around and goes back to the infirmary, his face grim and his hands curled into tight fists. He will hear again and he will go back to Atlantis again, he knows that for sure. He'd rather die than to stay behind.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------

 

After three months, John steps through the wormhole with only a small backpack, because all of his stuff is still in his quarters in Atlantis waiting for him. He looks around and smiles at the people standing in the Gateroom, applauding as they see him appear through the event horizon. Teyla comes and hugs him, then Ronon, a little bit clumsy and Mr. Woolsey comes and shakes his hand. John watches them looking at him, trying to avoid looking at the sides of his head where the visible signs of his implants are placed. His hair has grown over the scars and all one can see are the small magnetic coils and the microphones over his earlobe, but they all know that these things are there and they try hard to act as if they were not.

At first, there is an awkward silence, but then, all of his friends begin to speak at once and John frowns and tries to listen to them, until Rodney cuts them up with an impatient gesture of his hand. “Not all of you at once, please! One after the other, its called politeness!” he tells them off and John instinctively moves closer to him.

John has had a hard time learning to hear again and the way the implants make sounds audible is far from what he remembered. Everything sounds a little bit squeaky and flat and at first, all people talking to him sounded like Micky Mouse, squeaky and strange. Everyone except for Rodney, who visited him during the three months as often as he could. John still can hear Rodney's voice in his head, the way it sounded before he became deaf from the explosion and when he heard Rodney talk to him for the first time when he had the implant, John almost had wanted to cry, because Rodney was still – Rodney.

Now, he stands close to his friend and teammate, finally back in 'his city' knowing that he's not alone. Rodney is there and will help him get through this and that's all that matters to John right now.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

The weeks slowly pass by and John learns that he's not the only one who has to learn that nothing is as it was before the mission went wrong and he had to start anew.

His people have to learn that they have to treat him in a different way than they did as much as he has to learn to accept that they will treat him in another kind of way. There are a lot of small things that have changed. They may be small, but they are important and disturbing nonetheless.

Ronon for example is used to yelling after him when he's taking a run. But, that doesn't work any longer. At first, Ronon gets annoyed, because he thinks that John just didn't bother to stop. John gets annoyed, because he has no clue why Ronon is angry with him. They stand in the corridor before the cafeteria, arguing, until Rodney comes and explain to Ronon that he has to run after John and talk to him face to face, because the implant might be a some what good replacement, but that's just what it is – a replacement, nothing more. Ronon growls, embarrassed, mumbling something unintelligible, but he shrugs his shoulders and nods.

Ronon is not the only one and John always gets a fright if someone suddenly touches his back or his arm, turning around and grabbing unconsciously for his weapon. Because of that, people start to avoid getting too close to him, sometimes, making sure that he sees them before they come closer, eying him mistrustfully as if he wasn't the John Sheppard they knew before any longer. John knows that they are right. He _isn't_ the John Sheppard they knew any longer. The former John Sheppard could hear every little sound coming from behind, reacting to them much faster than not military people. The former John Sheppard took all of the small sounds he could hear for granted, thinking that his ability to orientate because of what he could hear but not see much faster than most of the soldiers he knew would never change. But, it did change, within only few seconds and now, he has to get used to it and try to live his life without it. Sometimes, it's so hard that he thinks he will never make it. On these days, all he wants to do is to give up his tries and run away from all of it, his friends, his city and his life.

Some of his underlings seem to think that he has become dense instead of deaf and behave as if he was stupid, trying to interpret the strict military rules to their own advantage and thinking that he won't notice it because of his impaired hearing. But, John isn't stupid at all, and he's also not deaf any longer, at least not if he wears his implants and so he teaches them that he's still an extraordinary colonel of the USAF. To his luck, Major Lorne and Mr. Woolsey stand behind him and so, he's able to put his underlings in their places again.

But time goes by and they all get used to it, slowly, but obviously. John starts to learn how to use his other senses and soon, he is able to see the shadows from people coming after him on the walls or smell their perfumes, after shaves or their bodily scent. He learns to 'feel' the presence of other people before he can see or hear them and he learns to react to their voices, even though the voices are still squeaky and strange. The implanted electrodes don't reach to the end of his cochlear and therefore don't make low and deep sounds audible. John misses the rich sound of bass, badly, but he tries to ignore it as best as he can, just as he tries to ignore the constant ringing in his ears.

He avoids eating in the cafeteria, most of the times eating his meals in Rodney's lab or his office, because he still feels uncomfortable being surrounded by so many people, all of them talking and laughing and shouting. He can't hear their voices properly, only loud noise and it always gives him a bad headache. Rodney seems to be fine with that, though, because it gives him the excuse to stay in his lab and work while they eat their meal in companionable silence.

 

\------------------------------------------------------

 

After three more months, Mr. Woolsey allows him to go on an off-world-mission again. It's nothing dangerous or very important, the people living on the planet are true allies and they only go there to fix another trade, but John is ridiculously happy that he's back at work again. To his surprise, the friendly people living on the planet have far less problems with his disability, they just talk slower and gesture more with their hands, but they treat him the way they always treated him before he lost his hearing.

There are more and more good days now when John is able to pretend that everything's fine and almost as it had once been, but there are bad days, oftentimes, as well. On these days, he stands in the Gateroom, watching Major Lorne leave Atlantis with _his_ team for another mission John can't lead anymore. They are dangerous missions and John knows that he would put his whole team into serious danger if he insisted to go on these missions as their leader himself. If both of his implants would switch off for some reason, he would be deaf again and on those missions, being unable to hear would be a lethal threat for all of them. And so, John stands there in the Gateroom, watching _his_ team leave Atlantis to save the galaxy without him once more, silently and without any complaints. But, everything inside him screams that it had to be him stepping through the wormhole and lead his team.

When the wormhole finally collapses, he turns around and leaves the Gateroom, walking through the city, crossing other expedition members who avoid his eyes, because they know that he had to stay behind again. He walks until he reaches one of the many balconies, stepping onto it and leaning against the railing.

Then, he stands there, looking down into the depth, thinking about how easy it would be to end his misery by letting himself fall over the railing. He once was about to do it, but just when he had climbed the railing, he saw Rodney's face before his mind's eyes and realized that he just couldn't do that to his friend. Rodney was always there for him, suffering almost as much as he does and he simply can't do that to him, although he sometimes truly wishes that he could overcome his issues and do it, nonetheless. But, just that he won't do it doesn't mean that he doesn't think about it oftentimes, mostly when his tinnitus is louder than any other sound his implants make audible and threatens to drive him crazy. He knows that other people who never had this ringing in their ears can't understand why he suffers so much. They can't believe that it keeps him from sleeping, from eating from thinking - from anything but listening to that horrible tone ringing and buzzing twenty-four hours a day without mercy. He stands on the balcony, staring at the sea without really seeing it and finally allows the tears that he won't let see anybody else, not even Rodney, to fall down and roll over his cold cheeks.

It's one of these days when John stands before the mirror in his quarters, staring at his mirror-face. His hair is back to his usual length and the coils and the microphones are almost covered by it, but all he can see is the picture he saw when he looked in the mirror for the first time after the surgery. His hair was shaved, the skin shining through, swollen and red with the scars over his ears clear to see. Suddenly, he gets annoyed, ripping the coils and microphones from his head, throwing them upon the table and grabbing the processor from out of his pocket, switching it off and throwing it next to the other things of his implants. Now, he can't hear anything except for the silent ringing in his ear.

He slumps down on the floor, scratching along the wall, curling himself up into a small ball. John doesn't know how long he has stayed in this position when someone sits down beside him, taking him in his arms. He doesn't need to look up to know that it's Rodney, he can smell it by the familiar and comforting scent and feel it by the body gently pressing against his own. Rodney doesn't try to talk to him, just holds him, rocking him gently. When he finally looks up, Rodney's face is very close to his own.

They look each other in the eyes and then, Rodney kisses him. John freezes, startled, because he doesn't want to be kissed because Rodney feels pity for him, but Rodney is 'talking' to him with his lips, telling him that he’s not kissing him because he feels pity for him, but because he wants him. Rodney's soft lips are nibbling, stroking and pressing, tenderly and passionately and John can feel his longing and his deep feelings for him. John closes his eyes and kisses his friend back, with all of his own wanting and longing and soon, their tongues meet, playing with each other and telling one another how much they care without words.

Rodney pulls him up and they stumble to his small bed, undressing and caressing, stroking and kissing all the while. John always knew that Rodney was very good in expressing what he wanted to say without having to use spoken words; and after becoming deaf, Rodney was always the one person he felt comfortable with, because he always managed to explain himself to John in so many different ways, but John didn't know until now, how much one can say without words.

They make love to each other in complete silence, except for a few silent sounds of pleasure, small gasps and moans John cannot hear, but see when Rodney moves his lips, but there are no words or sounds needed.

Darkness has fallen over Atlantis, but John can still see Rodney's face, his passion and longing, the lust John's caresses arouse in him, he can smell him and feel him, his warm smooth skin, flushed with desire, the tickling of Rodney's fur as they move against each other and the warm puffs of air close to his neck as John thrusts into him in a slow and steady pace. He can feel the sweat making their skin slippery and Rodney's rock-hard manhood rubbing against his belly and he feels Rodney's fingers digging into his back as they finally come together, savoring their pleasure to the fullest.

Rodney's lips upon his face tell him how much he wants him and when it's over and they both lay there, panting and deeply satisfied, Rodney turns around, caressing his face and looking him deep in his eyes. He moves his lips and John doesn't need to hear the words to know that Rodney says: “I love you, John.” He also doesn't need to hear his own voice as he answers and says: “I love you, too, Rodney.” All he needs is to see the smile on Rodney's face to know that he has done it right.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------

 

From this night on, John's well-being is improving. The IOA still threatens from time to time to replace him, but, General O'Neill, Mr. Woolsey and Major Lorne stand behind him without hesitation and when Rodney threatens to leave the Ancient's city and go with John, the heads of the IOA stop arguing.

One year passes by and John slowly gets used to his changed hearing. He goes on missions again and when there's something he can't do, then he knows that Major Lorne will do it for him without any question.

The first anniversary of his new life has passed when they get a message from Todd, the ancient Wraith Commander they dealt with oftentimes ago, wanting John and his team to come with him and explore an ancient Wraith-facility with him. John hasn’t heard from him since his injury, but Todd can be called an ally now and Mr. Woolsey thinks that this facility can be important enough to be explored. It's the first time since the mission that took away his hearing that he’s going on such an important mission, but, he's determined to accompany his team and especially Rodney.

They are together now and John is happier than he has ever been in his entire life before, because being with Rodney is the best thing that could have happened to him and if he had to become deaf to be together with the love of his life, than he is willing to accept his handicap.

At nights, when they lay close to each other in John or Rodney's bed, enjoying the warm afterglow of their love-making, then John doesn't feel impaired, at all. Rodney speaks to him with his lips and his hands, telling him what John needs to know with his wonderful eyes and his expressive face and John knows that Rodney wouldn't love him less if he was still unimpaired. John pushes these thoughts back into a hidden corner of his mind, focusing on their mission instead. Rodney smiles at him and so does Teyla, while Ronon pats his back in his usual 'buddy-manner' and John grins at him, knowing that his teammates have made their peace with their 'new' teamleader.

They arrive on the planet and when they look around, Todd comes out of his cover behind several thick bushes, crossing the small clearing in a casual way, almost strolling towards them. He tilts his head to the side, watching John intently, not letting himself be fooled by John's crooked grin.

“Ah, Sheppard, I heard rumors about your hearing loss, but I wasn't sure if the rumors were right,” he says, considering him. Ronon scowls at the Wraith, but Todd ignores him and suddenly, John can 'hear' him in his head.

 _'If you agree, John Sheppard, than I will connect slightly with your mind. You will be able to hear through my ears,'_ he suggests and John blinks, because he hasn't expected that. _'I don't want to spy on you, John Sheppard, I just want to make sure that you will hear as much as we do.'_

John looks at Rodney and Rodney nods his head, as if he had sensed what Todd said. John looks back at the ancient Commander and grunts a short agreement. Todd seems to be content and turns around, waving at the two officers and four drones he brought with him, making his way to the facility through the wilderness. John waves at his team and follows the Wraith feeling as his former self again for the first time within one year. He can smell the scents of their surroundings, he can see the little animals rushing through the grass and he can hear the silent sounds of the forest through Todd's ears. At the beginning, it's a little bit confusing, because he is wearing his implants and has to match the sounds he can hear with them with the sounds he hears through the Wraith's ears, but he simply enjoys the fact that for a few hours, he will be as 'normal' as his friends and teammates.

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

They have explored most of the facility when a group of hostile Genii show up, attacking them the minute they see John and his team. They shoot and fight and John can hear the noise of the stunners and weapons and the yelled orders of the Genii and his own team. He turns around when he notices someone behind his back and shoots, but the Genii shoots as well and something beside him explodes and crushes him. The last thing John can hear is Rodney shouting: “John, watch out!” before everything goes dark again.

When John wakes up, he is lying on the ground of the clearing near the Gate and he can see Todd's face looming over him, as the Wraith slowly draws his feeding hand back from his chest, watching him, musing and intently. John blinks, confused, because he can't hear anything again. He remembers the crash and realizes that the crash must have destroyed the outer parts of his implants. He hears the loud ringing in his ears, but no other sound. He knows that these parts can be replaced easily, but he has to wait until he's in Atlantis again. He only hopes that the parts implanted into his head hadn't been destroyed, because he's not sure if he can stand another surgery and several weeks in silence again.

“What happened?” he croaks out although he can't hear his own voice. But, during the last year, he learned to control his voice even without hearing it. He flinches when he feels Todd's thoughts in his head.

Todd considers him, his face impassive. _'A wall of the facility fell over you. You were injured and I gave you the Gift of Life to heal you, John Sheppard. Unfortunately, I was unable to heal your inner ears, as well, too much time has passed since you became deaf,'_ the ancient Commander explains, his 'mind-voice' almost gentle.

John swallows, squeezing his eyes shut. Of course, he didn't expect that when he went on this mission, but somewhere deep in his mind, there was the slight hope that maybe, there would be the chance to undo his deafness some day. But now, he has to face the truth that he will never hear again like he has heard before he became deaf. If even Todd couldn't give him back his hearing with the Gift of Life, although the Wraith of the Super-Hive was able to revive Ronon without any brain-damage after the rather long time of several minutes, than there is no hope that his ears will heal. John breathes in and out, fighting against the tears of helpless anger and disappointment. He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns his head. Rodney is kneeling beside him and John can see that he has to fight against his own tears. He smiles at Rodney with trembling lips and searches for his hand before he looks at Todd again.

“Thank you for healing my injuries,” he only manages to say, but it seems to be enough, because Todd nods his head, rising to his feet.

 _'The facility was destroyed, we barely managed to get out of it before the walls fell down, but, I'm sure that we will see each other again soon, John Sheppard. If we'll go on another mission again, I will do the same and you will be able to hear through my ears every time we will meet,'_ Todd promises and John nods and smiles gratefully at the Wraith, before he gets up to his feet, too.

He feels well and strong because of the Gift of Life, but also dizzy because of his temporary deafness.

John watches Todd go to the Gate with his crewmen and when Rodney steps beside him, he takes his hand and squeezes it. Rodney smiles at him and returns the gentle pressure, before he watches the Wraith disappear through the wormhole.

John smiles, dwelling in the feeling of Rodney's calloused hand holding his own hand. He knows that Rodney will always be there for him, loving him and holding his hand whenever he will need it.

During the last year, he has learned to rely on his other senses and to go on without his hearing and he will do so in the future, even if that means that he has to stay behind sometimes. Rodney looks at him, smiles and mouthes: _“I love you, John.”_

John smiles back, pressing the hand of his beloved genius. As long as Rodney is by his side and loves him, everything will be all right.

**Author's Note:**

> Those of you who read both versions now can decide which one you prefer, I have to admit that personally, I prefer this one. I wrote the first version mostly for John's sake, because I wanted to make his job a little bit easier for him, because due to my own experiences with hearing losses and deafness, doing his job with two deaf ears and implants probably will be almost too hard to do.
> 
> I also want to make clear that deafness and serious hearing losses normally end every military career. But, this is fan fiction and John is very special because of his gene and the way Atlantis reacts to him and therefore, General O'Neill and the IOA gave him the chance to go back to Atlantis and do his job despite from his disability.


End file.
